guilt and christmastime

This is a difficult post for me to write.  In the last week, three of our sweet little cancer friends have found out they have relapsed.  One of which has relapsed for the second time.  Her story is much like Jake's and it hits a little too close to home.  You feel guilty that you are so grateful it is not you.  And guilty that it is someone else because you know too much what it feels like.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride the past week.  And my child is at home safe, for now, in his bed.  I feel guilty.  It is crazy.  I am a little crazy.  I think most cancer mom's probably are a little crazy.  If one of my kids gets a cold, I immediately think, CANCER.  So so stupid.   If I hear the word headache, I think brain tumor.  I am constantly looking for signs that Jake has relapsed.  I really need to learn to calm myself down over this.  Because it really is dumb.  And this post is our 'December' post.  I am feeling guilty even writing it because we have had such an awesome month while so many of our friends are getting bad news.  I almost did not even write it, but figured I would regret it later.  So.  The month of December.  It has been crazy.  Cole is off track which I have surprisingly enjoyed.  We have made sure to do something every day.

We have been snowboarding twice.  Which I am pretty sure has been the highlite of the month.  And will most likely stay that way.  It was Jake and Cole's first time.  My first time in twelve years.  I was pitiful.  The boys were not.  And we had so much fun.



Decorated a tree:

Made a fort and slept under it by the tree:



Basketball has begun:



Sledding:



Decorated cookies with Mrs. Claus and riding the ferris wheel at Scheels.

Crew had his preschool program.

Jake had a clinic appointment.  And was spoiled rotten.  He got a stocking stuffed full of goodies.

Boys went Christmas shopping for each other and spent all of their money.  Literally.  It made me want to cry.  They wanted to buy each other about ten different gifts and had to get the perfect gift for each other.  It was probably one of my favorite things we have done this year.



Went and saw the baby Jesus.
And stood in line for two and a half hours.  It was worth it.

Zoo lights!



Crew had the flu.  And then two days later, he got croup.  Now he is fighting a cold.  And tonight he is crying because his ear hurts.  Luckily my BMT kid has a new immune system that likes to fight those bugs and only ended up with a small cold.

Jeff and I went to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert.  Awesome.

We saw Santa.
Three times.



Family Christmas Party.

I am so grateful for this time of year.  I am grateful for these cute little kiddos that make me happy.  I have squeezed them all extra hard after this last week.  Just please say an extra prayer for all of the sweet little kids that will be in the hospital this christmas.  It makes me so sad.  And I feel so guilty that I get to be at home with mine.  Sigh.  Apparently I need help.  Merry Christmas to all!
xoxoxo

Give Thanks

Sheesh.  I say this every post, but I really need to get my act together.  My only excuse is that I have been trying to get this darn 2011 blog book done.  My goal is to have it done by the end of the year.  It is taking forever.  And it will be well over 400 pages.  Yup.  I can't get rid of pictures.  It doesn't help that I took a picture every single day last year.  Needless to say, it has been quite the project.

Thanksgiving was nice and low key this year.  We were supposed to spend it with Jeff's family but his sis had a new baby, so everyone but us went to see her.  We stayed home and spent the day at my moms and Rand's.  This has been a difficult year, in more ways than one.  But there are so many things that I am beyond grateful for.

*Sounds stupid.  Especially because I want to have a 2012 sucks party at the end of the year, but I am grateful for this year.  It has taught me more than all of my other years combined.  It has taught me empathy of others.  I have been taught how amazingly good and kind and generous people are.  Even complete strangers.  I have always known that I could not have done any better husband wise, but this year has somehow made me love him even more.  It has made our relationship so much stronger.  It has made me grateful for my trials.  And for health.  Especially for health.  I won't ever take for granted my three kids.  At home.  Together.  Even on the days they fight like crazy.  I am grateful for chemo.  And my little hero who was good enough to share his healthy bone marrow.  I am thankful for doctors and nurses and for those to dedicate their lives to finding a cure for cancer.  I am grateful a testimony.  Faith.  It is what we have lived off of this year.  Every day.  And we still do.  I am grateful for dirty little hands and faces that I get to clean and kiss on every day.  I am grateful for a child that teaches me how to be better on a daily basis.  On how to be patient.  And to take it a day at a time.  Be resilient.  To be kind.  Because we never know what tomorrow will bring.  I am grateful for pizza parties.  And that we still have three little people to enjoy them.  And today.  I am especially grateful for hope.  Because we still have it.  And it is not going anywhere.  And we always have tomorrow, no matter what the day might bring.

Costa Rica

The last couple of weeks have flown by.  I cannot believe Thanksgiving is already on thursday.  It is crazy!  Last saturday, my brother got married and then the next night, Jeff and I flew with my family on a much needed vacation to Costa Rica.  It was amazing!  Some of the highlites of our trip were:



*The animals all over.  LOVED them.
igauanas

monkeys

lizards
weird anteater looking things that were not afraid of you and looked like they wanted to attack you when you got too close.

the hundreds of sandcrabs on the beach

snakes

*sand volleyball


the winners



and the losers.



the referee to make sure we did not cheat



Sarah's splits in them middle of the game
Nicholas' winning kick.  Yes. Kick.

*football.  Although Jeff almost broke my finger.  It swelled up and still has not gone down to normal.  Hurt like crazy.

*Paddleboarding



*miniature golf



*canoeing

*the zipline



*dinner at sunset right on the beach.  The only thing missing was the rose ceremony!



*SPA day=LOVE


*walking on the stairs


*playing jane on the vines


*golf.  (for jeff)

*the car in front of us hit a snake.  We turned around to look at it.  Poor thing wasn't dead and couldn't move.  So.  We put it out of its misery.  It was a huge rattlesnake.  And running over it two times in the car to kill it was disgusting.  And scary.

*sleeping in until 10 and reading and just being lazy.  Seriously loved every single second of the whole trip.  It was hard to come home.