Perception

I have been surprised this week by how my perception on life has been changed the last three years. Jake had a routine clinic appointment two weeks ago tomorrow. Three days later, we found a lump about the size of a golfball on his little body. It was late, so Saturday I called up to clinic and talked to the on call oncologist. His first words were, "Well, his counts were good a few days ago, so I won't have you come in and do a bone marrow biopsy yet." It was like a punch in the gut. Of course Jeff was out of town because these things tend to happen when he is gone, so I was left to panic on my own. We were told to wait a week and if it was still there to call our pediatrician and see what he wanted to do. A week later. It is still there. Same size. Pediatrician doesn't have a clue what it is. Call oncologist. Time to panic. And yet, we are not. Jeff and I had the conversation of "what if". What if he does relapse, or if it is something to be concerned about? What are we going to do about it? Fight it obviously. But, for some reason, neither one of us is too worried about it. I would have thought something like this would have taken over every thought and I would be panicking to the point of desperation, but it hasn't. Which is a good thing. It makes me realize that if something does happen and Jake gets sick again, we can do it. Again. As crappy as it would be. It is doable. And really, what else can we do? Fight it. And hope and pray that there really and truly is nothing wrong.